Conquering fear in the time of love

Fear springs at the oddest hour and place. The least one would expect is it to be associated with love, yet it goes hand in hand with the latter. If one is or was in love then fear is an association they cannot deny. Love conditions the mind to create an illusory world of expectations, which then becomes the raison-d’etre of love itself; losing it would be losing love in all, being the belief. Now, not that the axiom unconditional love is redundant for such a proposition but that, such a thought hinges on the hypothesis  – Nothing is unconditional and love is not an exception.

In the Gita, Lord Krishna makes a reference to maya in Chapter VII, Verse fourteen. He tells Arjun,

“Hard it is

To pierce that veil divine of various shows

Which hideth Me; yet they who worship Me

Pierce it and pass beyond.”

The world is much fascinated by the reference to Maya or a state of illusion, because it is seen as a matrix designed to keep one rooted to the very fragment of being a regular human being. So, to be emotive is to being human, the regular kinds which breathe, live and walk among us - our fellow members of the matrix with no present consciousness to leave the mesh either. Being in or out of love is therefore just another state where we will be subjected to the myriad of emotions binding or separating us from another. Of them all, it is fear that is the most unavoidable. One cannot do with or without it.

As an emotion fear will not willingly be expressed. It is not an emotion credited with the state of being a social being. So, even worse it will lurk inside and metamorphose into more devious emotions. Take an example – A person in love will never willing express if he/she fears that they may lose the one they love. It is a thought unpronounced, lurking inside and making stealthy appearances in the form of doubt, envy, rage and even hatred. Contrary to popular sentiments and belief that love begets such allied emotions it is actually the suppression of fear that stems them. It will be therefore much easier if one expresses the relevant fear rather than letting it be a dormant resident.

It is ok to fear. Our religious mythologies are full of stories of even the Gods expressing fear. In the Christian story, Jesus is supposed to have expressed and conquered fear at the eleventh hour before the day He was crucified. It is only by the expression of fear that one can learn to conquer it and move towards a more unconditional state of love. Expressing the fear that seeds and grow inside your head will allow one to be more forthcoming with the other person. If the fear is of losing the person one loves then one should express it. It immediately arrests the unrest inside the head and paves way for a solution in coming to terms with the fear. In love we keep mulling over such a thought, letting it reside and grow slowly till the time it becomes too overbearing and we pronounce it out in any possible thoughtless way. The condition is worse when one is out of love because then the fear, which has unfortunately manifested itself as true, becomes a physical reality that one may make the mistake (and they do, all the time) of referring to as a recurrent example, jeopardising any chance of being in love again, at all.

Having stated the condition what will be the easy way to conquer fear when in love? The answer is simple and I repeat it again – by admittance. It will not steal away a gallantry award or make you less human. In fact it will make you more so and also (perhaps) becomes one of the catalysts to transcend you to a better state of ‘unconditional love.’ In my own condition, I admit there are many fears lurking inside me but of them all, the fear of being out of love of the one I love is certainly not a case. I have always pronounced it being an expressive person that I am.

For Me...

adhigatya guroH GYAnaM chhAtrebhyo vitaranti ye |

vidyA vAtsalya nidhayaH shikshakA mama daivataM ||

For me,

When the tortoise beat the hare,

when the gulmohar tree bloomed on papyrus,

when the single lines formed shapes,

when letters formed words lesser known,

when two and two added as four,

when the ball made its way into the goal,

when the smiles made way for the tears,

For me, you were there!

For me,

When the dress changed from grey to colours,

when books made way for notes,

when benches were counted from behind,

when time was measured with a P or an A,

when I grew and outgrew,

when I stole minutes in seconds to write verse in prose,

when i became a lower notation,

For me, you were there!

For me,

When i chose a system away from a system,

when i spoke of what should have been, and not,

when i carried unfulfilled dreams,

when i found many you's in many me's,

when i watered the forbidden desires,

when i rose and fell, and fell,

when darkness made way to light,

For me, you were there!

In my poetry,

In my soul,

In me, you all were there;

in each form,

same shape,

just a different octate, a different sestet!

For you, my own -

Om Gurur Brahma Gurur Vishnuh |

Gurur Devo Maheshawarah ||

Gurureva param brahma |

Tasmai Shri Gurave Namah ||

To Deuta (Dad), Maa, Bro Dsouza, Mr. Middlecourt, Mrs. Krishnakali, Sutapa ma'm, Krishnamurthy ma'm, Sunil Sir, Dr. Ratan, Rahul Sapra, Sumit Pillai, Namit, Shaheen Jehani, Himanshu Gautam, Arvind Joshi

Patterns

I woke up next to her. The room was dark with faint streaks of street light sneaking past the curtains. Light always manages to surreptitiously make way into the dark corners. All it requires is a small crack, a gap, an inconsequential crevice or even a brief parting. As I sat on the edge of the bed, I deliberately parted the curtain to allow the smooth operator to sneak into the room willingly and sate it’s curiosity to explore dark corners. Dressed in yellow, drawing patterns of the window grill over my face in soft shadows, settling comfortably on the floor, a few of its rays carelessly lay on the bed next to me, flirting silently with my presence. I looked outside. The road that overlooked the window lay bare and my eyes could trace its unending horizon, adorned with numerous street lamps that seemed to coalesce into the dark sky as stars in the distant horizon. I shifted my gaze on the bed where she was lying, unaware, oblivious of the spectacle and my state of mind. The bed stead hugged her tracing the contours of her body. It seemed to be gazing back at me, teasing me at the proximity it seemed to be enjoying with her naked body. I let out a sigh and shifted my gaze back on the road and thought about the night, which was only a few hours old.

Our kisses were always very passionate. From gentle brushes to passionately crushing each other, our lips seemed to have a life of their own. For a few brief moment we would pause, the air echoing with our heavy breathing, look into each other’s eyes and then as if the wait has been itself too long, the lips would lock themselves again. Hands would prowl, pushing, pulling, and tugging at anything that would try and come between our skins. In between all this she would laugh when I bury myself on her neck, but that would be momentary. The bed would take the brunt of our wrestle; cotton, silk and sometimes satin crushed under our bodies. For those minutes everything seems to be secondary – time, the mobile phone ringing, the music, the candles that would never be lit and many other things that would be our concern when we would be two different individuals. Sometimes there would be questions in my mind but would be exorcised as quickly as they would conjure under the pulpit of the passion. I would laugh, sometimes smile and be in a state of stupor; she would winch, bite her lips, close her eyes, clench her fists, claw my back and seconds later everything would come to an abrupt end, the room would be filled with an eerie silence, sometimes punctured by hoarse whispers of her “love you.”

It was no different today. I kept lying on the bed, knowing what would come next. She crawled herself to my bare chest, kissed it and caressed the hair on it, she so much loved. I ran my hands through her tresses, carefully separating a few strands falling over her eyes. I wanted to see her eyes but like always her face would be buried inside me. I pulled myself back a little allowing her more room to rest her head on. My ears were slowly registering the various sounds around us now. Reality was near and I kept playing with her hair, hoping feverishly that she would fall asleep and silence would be the last conversation before we woke up again. For a long while she lay still and I strained my neck a little to see if she had slept. And then she spoke, her voice feeble but seemed to echo in my ears – “You took her name again today. You loved her a lot, na?”

I knew the question; I have heard it many times in the last few months. The past always caught up with me. “Perhaps, I can out run it someday,” I thought to myself as I looked out of the window. I could still see the road and the lights plastered unto the canvas. Nothing seemed to have changed from when I woke up till now. Time, Yes, time has passed but nothing else has changed. The light was still searching for other crevices and every time it has managed to find a presence in my room through the curtains. I looked at her on the bed. I made way back on the bed cuddling closer to her. The curtains – I left them open. I can’t fight the light anyway.

Broken

I broke down today

Over the thread of joy that lay barren

On my war struck heart's ground

Tears dried up inside

There were so many things to hide

Some mountains built of mole hills

Some rivers of rain drops

Some flowers strewn in between rides

to nowhere but the path inside

All along I knew - 'This is just a dream'

So was She

many years ago

When she walked away from my arms to another

And life had never been the same

Till I found my thread of joy

Over one drunk state of life

I hollered

The unsaid was heard

That was it

The dream began

And amongst all the nothingness

Little did I know

I had grown young

and the hardened heart tender

Unconditional

Unperturbed

but it was not to be

Every dream wakes to reality

I woke up a

morning with the essence of the thread of joy

Breaking to pieces

And I collect the shards of memories

Not weaker

but stronger

Because I have a promise to keep

To be where I have been left

with the same smile

the same spirit

the same heart

Tender

Young

Never ageing in the day or dark!

The first draft came from the heart... I will not say anything more. I have no punctuations left...

Today anger overtook love,

Temperament assaulted patience,

Love stood where it was.

It does not know to fight back,

So it decided to wait,

Where it stood!

Anger is volatile,

Love eternal.

So it stood under the tree

Waiting!

:) Sigh!!! I guess I have grown with time!!!

A borrowed Wish

I read it... I loved it... Sorry but I have borrowed it....

A wish like the morning dew upon the cold palm
Like the effervescent laugh on the lips of a three-year old
Like the silence between the naked lovers sitting by the window
Like the cluster of stars hovering above the crowded head
Like the eyes that glisten with hunger and shamelessness,
Like the madness of a vagabond venturing into the unknown, knowingly
Like the windy night removing the peels of sorrow… slowly
Like You and I, torn and apart, forming a coherent whole
Like the wish itself, born in the mind, nursed in the heart and never told
Like love, surpassing the boundaries of the known, traversing the limitless possibilities with that one wish…

One could not say this better.... Sigh!!!

Love...

A very short verse to love...

I did not feel you,
when plentitude surrounded me.
I did not feel you
when I searched for you.
Now,
when you touched me
unaware,
oblivious,
unexpected,
I do not have to look around,
I see you in in everything
I see you in me.
Indeed,
indescribable you are
As all have called thee!!!

Oh!! So much in love and so much to tell about the feeling that now also belongs to me.